It’s over. I never have to see all of these actors together, acting poorly in one movie, ever again. On this Thanksgiving weekend, I am thankful for that. And yet! Part of me is sad that I won’t get to experience these once-a-year comedies with my friend. If you’ve read previous Twilight posts of mine, you might know that I treat these things as laugh-out-loud-fests. My friend and I attend them after a grace period of about a month, when they’re just about to leave the theaters and all the tweens are gone, and we laugh ourselves silly. It’s not hard to do with all the absurdities. And yet, after all this watching-for-the-irony, I admit that I’m going to miss it a little. I guess that’s what I get for being so cynical.
For the record, Breaking Dawn, Part 1 was the funniest of the franchise. 30 seconds in and Lautner goes shirtless? That’s slapstick right there. Part 2 had a shirtless moment, sure, but we had to wait quite a bit of time for it. To be honest, we had to wait a long time for a lot of stuff in this final chapter. The characters had to wait around a lot, too. Waiting for people to show up, waiting for fights to break out, waiting for shit to take effect. I was honestly a little disappointed with how the story resolved itself, only because I had hoped the whole thing would get back to its slightly gory roots and actually show a bit of blood-sucking. It wasn’t the case at all.
The Cullens and the Volturi weren’t even really vampires in this movie. No fangs, no waiting til dark to emerge. They’re glampires, more like superheroes actually, since they race around and have insane strength. They’re a far cry from the vampire world of, say, Bon Temps, Louisiana, where the rules aren’t as convenient for everyone. And even after five movies, I still don’t really understand why these two vampire families (vampilies?) hated each other. Something about history, or whatever. In this movie, they were all freaked out about Edward and Bella’s daughter thing, Rennessmee, and I don’t even care why. All that matters is that they had sex by mouthing with each other at some point in the movie and then didn’t vamp-die or whatever, and that Taylor Lautner followed “Nessie” around like a sad, creepy puppy (sometimes literally) until she was finally old enough to, you know, hold hands with him.
The world of Twilight contains too many characters, and most of them were introduced for the first time in this movie. In fact, there were so many new people that I’m pretty sure old people had to be sacrificed for budgetary reasons; most of the wolf clan only appeared in their wolfy CGI form, presumably so they wouldn’t have to hire the actors and actually pay them, (I’m onto you, Hollywood.), and then again at the end for a Vitamin-C-style yearbook retrospective. So instead of our favorite wolf people, we were all blessed with 18 new vamp-relatives of the Cullens from all over the world. The most important thing to know about this is that Lee Pace plays one of those relatives, the rebellious one, and it’s both off-putting and intoxicating at the same time. I lost respect for him for even participating in this whole charade, but then I felt bad because, hey, I’m actually seeing the movie, so I’m even worse. Plus, he totally owned his lame part. He’s the best. Even more shocking casting-wise was the fact that f’ing BUNK had a small role, as basically the token black guy. He wasn’t a vampire, no, but does it matter what he actually was? Bunk was in a Twilight movie. My life is different now.
I will say that this movie did a great job of distracting me from that depressing thing I just mentioned by including a sweet-ass fight scene at the end. There’s a twist to it, which I will not talk about because it was actually genuinely surprising, but the fight scene really was a good time. An old-fashioned new-fangled showdown, if you will.
I’m not saying that you should spend money on this. I’m just saying it’s sort of funny if you find humor in American pop culture juggernauts aimed at mid-pubescent girls.