The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

Oh, yes. I saw it. Within the first 30 seconds, I was laughing, and I did not stop until it’s over. Laughter is the best medicine, and someone should have told Bella that when she was SPOILER ALERT dying from the inside because her demon baby was taking over her body.

So, that’s what happens in this movie, in case you were unaware of it. Edward (Robby Bobby) and Bella (K-Stew) get married and do the deed and destroy their bed in the process, and then like in every realistic honeymoon portrayal, she gets knocked up. Except unlike in every realistic honeymoon portrayal, said knocking-up is with a half-human, half-vampire fetus. Sucks. Literally.

I’m willing to venture that this little ditty was the best of the four Twilight “films” thus far. I say that with extreme trepidation, knowing I’ll get made fun of, and aware of the fact that I have better taste in movies than this post would have you think. But. The wedding scene, with all of its hokey Mormon undertones, was actually kind of beautiful. If you forget for a second that it’s these two pale freaks that are getting hitched, the whole thing was kind of nice. She was wearing a non-slutty dress, she was visibly nervous about getting married at 18, or however young and stupid she was, and it was outside. Not bad. And the honeymoon was equally beautiful, again, suspending disbelief for the people involved. Of course, once they got to the “sex” scene, I had to laugh again. Maybe I’ve been watching too much True Blood, but I definitely expected them to actually go at it. What happened instead was a long, uncomfortable, close-up makeout scene. Oh, right, this is supposed to be for kids or something. My bad.

Speaking of bad, the acting. Taylor Lautner was in peak form again as maybe the worst actor of all time. I want him to win a Razzie, that’s how bad he is. I really don’t understand the appeal of this tiny muscle mass person. He always looks like he’s in pain, and he’s too young for his chiseled body to actually be proportionate to itself. There are many more celebrities in the world to crush on, folks. Pick again. He was, however, the source of most of my laughter throughout. First 30 seconds = Jacob receives the wedding invitation, strips down, turns into a wolf, and runs howling into the forest. That shit is hilarious. Later on = the director can’t think of a better way to make wolves talk to each other, so… he makes them talk to each other. Meaning there is a pack of wolves holding a Bale Batman-esque pissing contest conversation, and it is absurd. At the end SPOILER ALERT = Jacob “imprints” on aforementioned demon baby, Renesmee (actually a cool name, whatever guys), and has this weird eye contact with his vision of what she may look like in 16-18 years when it’s not creepy anymore for him to date her.

I think I went over the good and the bad, which means the ugly is left. Two things here, actually, a good ugly and a bad ugly, if you’ll allow the terminology. The good ugly was the makeup. I was legitimately blown away by how K-Stew looked as she withered away during her accelerated vampregnancy. She went from being the flawless stick figure she normally is to being gaunt, hollow, and even more stick-like. It was kind of incredible. Her coloring was awful, her skin actually looked pale in a gross way, it was all very convincing. I sincerely hope she didn’t drop weight for that part of the movie, though. Her frame was rail-thin, and disturbingly so, which means superb CGI must have been involved. Bravo.

The bad ugly: MORE GORE, PLEASE! All this talk and build-up of the birth scene, and we barely get to see anything crazy happen! It was more of a series of bloody reaction shots and weird implications. Supposedly, Robby Bobby rips the baby out of her and injects vemp venom into her to turn her into a vamp herself, but none of this was as graphic as it should have been. Again, for the kids or something. Don’t they know by now that we older folks need some good comedy in our lives, though? I hope the final installment of this “saga” is worth the wait.