District 9

Ugh, I don’t even know where to begin with this one. My head is filled with little tweets (and I don’t mean like TWITTER CUZ I AIN’T GOT ONE) from all these people saying omgthismovieisbrilliantblahblahblah so naturally, I had to watch it. I made the mistake of seeing it (a) a little tipsy and (b) at 11:05 p.m. on a Friday/workday/when I had been up for 17 hours already. Not a good call, apparently I fell asleep right after the climax so I never saw the resolution. And you know what I say? BOO-FRICKITY-HOO. Yeah, maybe this was a good alien movie. Maybe it was. But I don’t think I’m that happy that I saw it. Maybe I am. I don’t know. I’m pissed that I’m so pissed about this movie.

All I knew going into it was that it was about aliens landing in South Africa, and taking over and shit, so I sort of assumed it was actually going to suck and people were just being shitheads and buying into the whole “Alien movies rock!1!!!!1” mantra. Admittedly, the documentary-style filming was pretty sweet. So sweet, in fact, that it was too real and it freaked me out. This does not mean that I think it was a bad movie. I hate it when people do that. They equate their unpleasant experience with it being a bad movie. THAT IS NOT ALWAYS TRUE. I recognize that this was a good movie. But I did not want to see a movie that involved creepy-ass aliens that look like shrimp and make me never want to order prawns ever and watch a perfectly normal person puke up black shit and freak the hell out of me. I don’t like being scared in a real way. Most horror films are just … not believable. It’s because of everything in the film, the acting, the special effects, the filming, whatever. There’s always something that takes you back to it not being real. This was so outrageous, but filmed and acted so realistically, that it was just creepy as shit. I just got scared when some sort of bug was in my house like an hour ago. I got chills trying to figure out what to do with a bug. I think it was a both or a grasshopper, so it was large for a bug, but I was still freaked out by it. This movie messes with your head. Until the halfway point, at which it becomes a normal movie.

Tell me, Peter Jackson. What am I supposed to think of this movie? I don’t like ideas of aliens coming and us ingesting weird liquids and doctors not being able to treat us. I think that’s probably the worst fear. It’s one thing to know why you’re going. Cancer takes over, you can’t get out of a burning house, you’re old, whatever. But to have a team of doctors standing around you and FREAKING OUT, or worse yet WANTING TO USE YOU AS AN EXPERIMENT? I’m sorry, but I’d like to trust my surroundings when I’m in that much physical danger. To see another person going through that much fear, pain, and shame was not nice at all. It was nauseating.

I don’t even know what I’m supposed to get out of this. That morally legit people do fucked up things when they’re under pressure. Ahem, I already knew that. That humans are selfish? Tell me something I don’t know. That aliens can be cute if you just learn to love their tentacles? I suppose. All I’m saying is that I’m mad as hell. I spent $10 to get freaked out and grossed out in an unnecessary way. I like violence in movies and on television that teaches you something. The Sopranos taught me something. This teaches me nothing because I can’t figure out the metaphor and I’m not inclined to believe its premise is going to replicate itself soon on this planet.