Ten Reasons to Consider Netflix

The next time you’re in a theater, ask yourself if any of these apply to you. If so, do us all a favor and GET THE FUCK OUT.

1. If you have an annoying laugh. If someone has told you that you have a distinctive laugh, then you have an annoying laugh. If someone has told you that they can hear your laugh from a mile away, then you have an annoying laugh. If someone has cut you off while you’re laughing to talk about something else, then you have an annoying laugh.

2. If you’re a punchline repeater. If you can’t go to a movie alone because you need someone to slap when you find something fully, then you’re a punchline repeater. If, after a movie, you say you had a great time watching the movie, then you’re a punchline repeater. If someone has told you that the jokes should be left for the actors to deliver, and you thought that was funny, then you’re a punchline repeater.

3. If you’re a question asker. If you are under the age of twelve, then you are a question asker. If you are drunk or high, then you are a question asker. If you are nervous, uninterested in the movie or interested in your date, then you are a question asker.

4. If you pee a lot. If you bought a large soda at the concession stand, then you pee a lot. If you drank a large drink earlier in the day, then you pee a lot. If you know you pee a lot, then you pee a lot.

5. If you breathe loudly.If you are sick, then you breathe loudly. If you snore, then you breathe loudly. If you are a smoker, then you breathe loudly.

6. If you want to make out with your date. If you don’t know the title or plot of the movie, then you want to make out with your date. If you are unable to sit comfortably in your chair, then you want to make out with your date. If you find your date attractive, then you want to make out with your date.

7. If you are sick. If you brought a box, not a packet, of Kleenex, then you are sick. If people turn away from you and look at you with disdain when you cough, then you are sick. If you feel like shit, then you are sick.

8. If you have a cellophane-wrapped item on your person. If you purchased a food item at the concession stand, then you have a cellophane-wrapped item on your person. If you thought you might be hungry later, then you have a cellophane-wrapped item on your person. If you purchased popcorn, you do not have a cellophane-wrapped item on your person, but it will damn well sound like it.

9. If you are expecting a call. If you kinda like someone, then you are expecting a call. If you had a job interview in the last two weeks, then you are expecting a call. If you have a curfew, then you are expecting a call.

10. If you are immature and/or have no common sense. If the word “penis” still makes you laugh, then you are immature and/or have no common sense. If you don’t read the news at least once a day, then you are immature and/or have no common sense. If any of the nine items mentioned above (or any combination thereof) applies to you, then you are immature and/or have no common sense.

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