Man, oh man, it has taken me too long to see this movie. Every person I know practically shot darts at my eyes with their eyes when I told them I hadn’t seen it. There was so much buildup—it’s hilarious, sexy, smart, fun, blah blah blah. Penelope Cruz is amazing, blah blah blah. Well, I have a New Year’s Resolution. I know it’s almost June, but whatever. My resolution is to resist these sentences: “OH, YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE! IT’S AMAZING! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT!” One rendition of them is fine, but you know what happens when you lose count of these babies? Expectations start to grow, and they become out of control. Yeah, I said it.
You may think it’s dumb of me to try to do this. I’m a critic, so how can I resist saying that? Well, I might still say it, if I really think the movie is worth it. If we’re talking about something like “The Graduate,” for example, I’d say, “You need to see this movie. It’s very important to society. Also, read my blog.” Or something like that. See, now I can default to this blog. People can specifically seek out my detailed opinions if they really want to hear them.
Which I presume is what you’re doing now. Seeking out my opinions and such. Well, get ready, folks: I kinda sorta thought this movie was not as great as everyone said it was. Let me be more clear: This movie was okay. I guess.
I think my favorite part was seeing the sights of Barcelona, since I was there just a year ago. It really made me want to go to hereand here and here
Yeah, so that was the good part of the film. And yeah, Penelope Cruz definitely bottled up enough rage to win herself that Oscar. She was pretty awesome. The story was interesting, but I guess the problem was that Woody Allen basically put himself into the movie when he wasn’t actually in the movie. The character of Vicky (Rebecca Hall), as so aptly pointed out by my mother, was Woody Allen in every other movie he’s put himself in. She was neurotic, analytical, critical, sarcastic, nerdy and every other appropriate adjective. And it was not becoming on her. It was downright annoying. It was so hard to believe that she and Cristina (Scarlett Johansson) were actually best friends—I’d punch Vicky in the face if she opened her mouth like that all the time and failed to enjoy, like, anything. And speaking of ScarJo, what is up with Allen’s fascination with her? She can’t act to save her life, but he keeps casting her in movies anyway. I know she’s hot and everything, but DAMN. Find someone who can hold an emotion. Like Cruz or Javier Bardem, who if I may say so, looked a hell of a lot sexier than that other time we saw him onscreen.
The narration in this film was too much, too. It was like the whole movie was an extended feature on 60 Minutes, and I actually don’t mean that as a compliment. It was witty for the first 10 minutes, but then it just slid right into annoying, unnecessary and contrived. In the end, I felt like the whole thing was a disturbing, depressing recount of a summer in the lives of selfish, semi-bad people (a la Seinfeld) and the worst part is, everyone’s hurt in the end. There’s no resolve. It just sucks for all the characters. Maybe that’s life, but it’s certainly not a lesson I want to learn after 90 minutes.